I will not dwell

I couldn't wait to sit down this morning and start blogging. Doing it in the morning is probably the best idea, thoughts are fresh, and things don't look quite as bad because I haven't had a whole day to sit and brood about them.

Talking to a friend of mine last night helped me realize a few things. The most important being that I just need to become a stronger person. I rely too much on others. We were discussing how at times I seem to be going crazy not being able to be near Scott right now, but how he seemed to be handling it better than me. And in my twisted brain I somehow interpret this is as he doesn't love me as much as I love him, or he doesn't really want to be with me, or a million other just as ridiculous things. My friend brought up the point that if Scott was constantly telling me how hard it is to be away from me, it would just make me feel worse, and it really would. I would feel so sad all the time knowing HE was sad. So I realized, it's not fair of me to do that to him, which I have been. For both of our sakes I need to be stronger. If I want us to make it I need to just accept that fact that for now we can't be in the same place, but that it won't be like this forever. We're so much in love and I know that there is no one else in the world I want. I just need to be patient. And strong. Two things I have never been very good at.

On another note, I told Scott about my... thing... yesterday. It scares me so much that I can't even write it down here. I haven't told anybody else about it, not even my mom. And this is the first time I've really admitted to myself how terrified I am. Worst case scenarios have been flying around my head for a while now, so I am finally going to the doctor next week. Maybe it will be nothing. But maybe it won't. And what if it's not nothing?? I spent about an hour yesterday crying about this. I just hope I didn't worry Scott too much. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. But there's nothing I can do about it now. I will try not to think about it for the next week and a half. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life. If there's one line from the Baha'i writings that I will carry through life with me, it's that one. At times like this I remember that prayer and smile.