beginning of my new outlet

I decided I needed an outlet to write down all my random thoughts and feelings and to just be able to get shit out there. Something that wasn't livejournal or myspace.

I want to just be able to sit down several times a week and mental dribble all over this blog no matter what I'm talking about. I just need to keep my fingers to the keyboard and type whatever comes to my head.

Although that could be scary since my thoughts of late have been entirely consumed by my relationship. I need other things to obsess over. Well I don't think I'm actually obsessed it's just been clear to me ever since Scott was here last that if we are going to make this work we need to figure out a way to make it not long distance anymore, and that is a bit of a challenge considering we live on opposite sides of the country. But I love him so much, I do. When we first started dating I swore I would never move to Virginia, but now I'm beginning to feel that it wouldn't be so bad, at least for a little while. I don't know. I haven't even really talked with him about this yet, which is what I probably should do. But this is good, at least I'm getting these things out of my head and out on the internet...?? Yeah that seems a little weird. But it's not like I'm going to be advertising this blog to everyone I know. Maybe I will just keep it for myself.

I'm having trouble getting all my inner most thoughts out. Maybe that will take me a while, or maybe I'll never do it. I just need to give myself some time to see if this blog thing will really work out. It almost seems that if I keep my fears bottled up inside of me they can't ever actually manifest themselves, but if I write them down there is a chance that they could come true. Is that weird? Is that normal? I wish I could express my fears better, because I have a lot of them. The more introspective I get the more I discover that I can be a very fearful person, I think I get that from my mother. And THAT scares me too! Scares me that I'm scared of so many things. How lame is that. I want to be fearLESS. I want to be able to tell Scott exactly what's on my mind at all times, but I'm so terrified of how he will respond. Why do I have such trust issues? He tells me he loves me and yet somewhere deep down inside of me I just can't believe it. What is wrong with me that I can't accept love??

Aaaaahh. I need to stop writing here before I get too caught up. I'm not ready to reveal all this yet in my blog, for myself or for anyone else to read. I guess this was a pretty good start, let's hope that I actually continue this. I think it will help to make feel a little bit more sane.