If someone said three years from now...

.. you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember

But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?

Well anyway, as cheesy as that is, that's how I feel. It's been almost exactly three years and I never, ever thought it would end up like this.

and that's what you get for falling again...

Oh hi blog that I haven't updated in over two years.

Yeah.

I'm an emotional cutter...

hearts all over the world tonight...

I have the most amazing, the cutest, and the best pop song I've heard in a long time stuck in my head and I just can't stop listening to it. I think I must have listened to it at least 10-12 times today already. The lyrics just make me smile, they are so simple and so adorable.

Oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you...

The video is adorable too, it makes me want to hug him.

Anyway.

I'm sitting here at my parents house, it's almost midnight, and I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning at 8:50. I keep going back and forth between being scared to death and not being the slightest bit nervous. I mean, there can't be anything that wrong with me right? It will turn out to be nothing. Right? Right.

I don't know who I'm trying to convince. I guess myself since no one else reads this.

I am so incredibly tired at the moment I'm not even thinking straight. I should go to bed, but I am just waiting for Scott to finish his Kara run and call me. How bizarre would it sound to someone who didn't play WoW to read that last sentence? God, I should really quit playing, it's so bad for me on so many levels. But that is a whole other subject to get into a different day.

For right now I am going to go lay down in my ridiculously uncomfortable twin bed and hope Scott calls me before I completely pass out, although that's unlikely seeing how much I hate my bed here.

I wonder if I could actually stand to live at home again for a short period of time?

I think the depression I was in for the last week is beginning to subside, although that could just have to do with the fact that it's now the weekend and I have a fabulous party to go tonight. A black and white cocktail party for Jessie's birthday!

It almost makes me feel like an adult in some ways. Everyone actually wearing nice clothes, and not just something they found in the back of their closet. I actually bought a pair of Nine West stiletto slingbacks for the occasion. Okay, so they're not Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahniks, but at least I didn't buy them at Payless right? And my dress is adorable. I just need to find some sort of gold hair accessory in the next 7 hours to complete the look.

Maegen and I watched the most adorable movie last night, Paris, Je'taime. It's actually a collection of short films done by different directors all about love in Paris. I don't normally buy into cliches (okay well maybe I do a little, I'm not going to outwardly lie in a journal!) but how amazing would it be to actually fall in love in Paris! I think I may be in love with falling in love. Is it wrong that it scares me think I may never fall in love again?

We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our every reality is shattered, and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

I don't know who said that, but it's so right on! The moment you realize you've fallen in love is like no other moment in the world. I would give almost anything to feel that again.

But I would not give up Scott for that. Falling in love with him was just about the easiest thing I've ever done, and for the first time in my life someone fell in love with me at the same time, just as effortlessly. There were no games, no back and forth, no wondering if it was actually love or not... it was just there, pure and simple and wonderful.

And then I have to go and question it!

Nevermind, I'm in a better mood than I have been for a while I'm not going to jeapordize it by focusing on all the flaws in our relationship, or at least all the flaws that I have that contribute to the rockier parts of it. At the end of the day we love each other, and that's what matters.

too many questions

Why can't I just be happy???

Why do I have to create drama where there is none?

Why do I not believe what people tell me?

What is so wrong with me that if someone loves me I can't just accept that they love me and I have to go fuck things up just so I can feel normal.

How did I get so messed up?

I will not dwell

I couldn't wait to sit down this morning and start blogging. Doing it in the morning is probably the best idea, thoughts are fresh, and things don't look quite as bad because I haven't had a whole day to sit and brood about them.

Talking to a friend of mine last night helped me realize a few things. The most important being that I just need to become a stronger person. I rely too much on others. We were discussing how at times I seem to be going crazy not being able to be near Scott right now, but how he seemed to be handling it better than me. And in my twisted brain I somehow interpret this is as he doesn't love me as much as I love him, or he doesn't really want to be with me, or a million other just as ridiculous things. My friend brought up the point that if Scott was constantly telling me how hard it is to be away from me, it would just make me feel worse, and it really would. I would feel so sad all the time knowing HE was sad. So I realized, it's not fair of me to do that to him, which I have been. For both of our sakes I need to be stronger. If I want us to make it I need to just accept that fact that for now we can't be in the same place, but that it won't be like this forever. We're so much in love and I know that there is no one else in the world I want. I just need to be patient. And strong. Two things I have never been very good at.

On another note, I told Scott about my... thing... yesterday. It scares me so much that I can't even write it down here. I haven't told anybody else about it, not even my mom. And this is the first time I've really admitted to myself how terrified I am. Worst case scenarios have been flying around my head for a while now, so I am finally going to the doctor next week. Maybe it will be nothing. But maybe it won't. And what if it's not nothing?? I spent about an hour yesterday crying about this. I just hope I didn't worry Scott too much. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. But there's nothing I can do about it now. I will try not to think about it for the next week and a half. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life. If there's one line from the Baha'i writings that I will carry through life with me, it's that one. At times like this I remember that prayer and smile.

beginning of my new outlet

I decided I needed an outlet to write down all my random thoughts and feelings and to just be able to get shit out there. Something that wasn't livejournal or myspace.

I want to just be able to sit down several times a week and mental dribble all over this blog no matter what I'm talking about. I just need to keep my fingers to the keyboard and type whatever comes to my head.

Although that could be scary since my thoughts of late have been entirely consumed by my relationship. I need other things to obsess over. Well I don't think I'm actually obsessed it's just been clear to me ever since Scott was here last that if we are going to make this work we need to figure out a way to make it not long distance anymore, and that is a bit of a challenge considering we live on opposite sides of the country. But I love him so much, I do. When we first started dating I swore I would never move to Virginia, but now I'm beginning to feel that it wouldn't be so bad, at least for a little while. I don't know. I haven't even really talked with him about this yet, which is what I probably should do. But this is good, at least I'm getting these things out of my head and out on the internet...?? Yeah that seems a little weird. But it's not like I'm going to be advertising this blog to everyone I know. Maybe I will just keep it for myself.

I'm having trouble getting all my inner most thoughts out. Maybe that will take me a while, or maybe I'll never do it. I just need to give myself some time to see if this blog thing will really work out. It almost seems that if I keep my fears bottled up inside of me they can't ever actually manifest themselves, but if I write them down there is a chance that they could come true. Is that weird? Is that normal? I wish I could express my fears better, because I have a lot of them. The more introspective I get the more I discover that I can be a very fearful person, I think I get that from my mother. And THAT scares me too! Scares me that I'm scared of so many things. How lame is that. I want to be fearLESS. I want to be able to tell Scott exactly what's on my mind at all times, but I'm so terrified of how he will respond. Why do I have such trust issues? He tells me he loves me and yet somewhere deep down inside of me I just can't believe it. What is wrong with me that I can't accept love??

Aaaaahh. I need to stop writing here before I get too caught up. I'm not ready to reveal all this yet in my blog, for myself or for anyone else to read. I guess this was a pretty good start, let's hope that I actually continue this. I think it will help to make feel a little bit more sane.